Favorite Quotes Archives
- JoeZammit66@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2005-08-07 21:19:31
"Some one wrote you a nice play. Now say some of it.
416 Char
- charrob58@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2005-08-05 04:41:57
In one episode the guys were all assigned to homicide. Harris was bragging
about how he used his detective skills to track down a murderer who cut up
his victims bodies and put the pieces in plastic bags. Wojo, fed up with
Harris's bragging says, "The perp left his wallet in one of the bags."
Harris says, in classic Harris style, "I had to reach in and get it."
413 Dan McCarthy
- no email
- no homepage
- 2005-07-10 04:42:56
A couple of other quotes from this episode have already been mentioned but
there is at least one more: The great character actor George Murdock ( later
to play Lt. Scanlon) is Sgt. J.R. Revell, an Army recruiter whose office has
had a bomb threat phoned in. He has been needling Yemana about WWII
throughout the show. Finally Yemana, thoroughly fed-up, says: "I was in the
US Army in the war too. The Nisei Battallion." Revell replies: "Nisei
Battalion, huh...So I guess it didn't matter to you who won!" God Bless Jack
Soo and the Greatest TV sitcom ever!
412 Billy Branch
- btbranch@hotmail.com
- http://www.billyanddon.com
- 2005-07-08 14:29:46
I'm sure this has already been mentioned. But the episode when Wojo's
girlfriend sent him to work with the brownie's laced with hash.
There are so many great lines from that episode. The one that comes to mind
is when Barney tells Harris to go home and come back to work when he feels
better, to which he replies:
"OK Barn, I'll go home. But I doubt that I'm gonna feel any better."
411 Art
- no email
- no homepage
- 2005-06-03 22:04:14
I am a great fan of the show and especially like Dietrich's humor. One of my
favorite lines was when a Russian agent had failed to return a defector and
was deliberating his punishment with Dietrich, who mentions that he doubts
that Siberia would be the punishment. The agent says angrily "Siberia would
be very unfair!"
In classic style, Dietrich replies "Damn cold, too."
Hope that TVLand reschedules the show again.
410 Tony
- no email
- no homepage
- 2005-05-26 15:56:05
One of the officers comes into the squadroom (I think it was Wojo)excitedly
describing a taxi cab accident where the cab was spinning out of control and
the clothes from the fare's luggage were flying out of the cab and around in
a circle. Dietrich blurts out "Centrifugal Force". Everyone stops and looks
at him. Dietrich says it again and gives a detailed, scientific definition
of what centrifugal force is. Wojo continues to describe that a couple of
seconds later the clothes were all over the street. Deitrich blurts out,
"Now your talkin' gravity".
409 Christopher Hudgins
- cehphoenix@cox.net
- no homepage
- 2005-05-16 07:29:43
I like it in the episode entitled "Graft" when Inspector Kelly goes to Chano
and says, "Boney diaz, Chano." Chano says, "Jose Feliciano." And Kelly says,
"Pretty good, thanks." Later, Barney would ask Kelly, "Would you like a cup
of coffee?" Kelly says, "No, thanks." Then Barney asks, "How about a punch
in the mouth?" And later on in that episode, Chano would ask Barney, "Is
Kelly just a big-mouth or is he really gonna make trouble?" Barney would
say, "I think Kelly is just a big-mouth who's really gonna make trouble."
408 Veda Mac
- no email
- no homepage
- 2005-04-29 18:46:19
Help me out Barney Miller fans...The squad room is sweltering and as Fish
sits at his desk, Harris or Chano comments on the barely moving fan..."it
can't be turned on it's barely moving" Fish: "My words exactly to Bernice"
Side-splittingly funny!!!
407 Veda Mac
- veda.mcconnell@lev-tech.com
- no homepage
- 2005-04-29 15:27:02
Thank God for this Site. I have been missing Barney Miller ever since TV
Land stopped airing it at 2 am EST. I've written to TV Guide requesting any
information on whether ABC or any network for that matter, will do a Reunion
Show for Barney Miller 30th Anniversary. Maybe someone will take up the
cause. It would be great to see the surviving cast members....comments
anyone. Oh, one of my favorite shows was the quarantine episode, as the
other awakened officers look on, Harris, while asleep, is muttering about
Barney's compassionate nature and calls him a jike turkey. Barney's
expression is priceless!! CLASSIC show
406 John Berndt
- john_berndt@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2005-04-22 17:43:46
Wojo is typing up a crime report and asks the suspect his age.
"58," the perpetrator replies thoughtfully. Wojo laboriously types it on the
report.
"Yeah, that's right," the guy calculates. "I turned 40 in '58."
Wojo impatiently rolls his eyes, erases the entry and counts on his fingers.
"That makes you... let's see... fifty eight!"
The numbers may not be accurate, but it remains a very clever and memorable
gag.
405 dave drinkwater
- ddrinkwater@shaw.ca
- no homepage
- 2005-03-28 19:03:31
The one where Marty was in the squadroom lodging a complaint about his
partners ex wife wanting to take their child to Detroit for the weekend to
which Marty commented,
"talk about child abuse" classic
404 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2005-03-19 03:01:37
I like the one where Harris and Wojo chased a burglar through the sewers.
Fish was heading to the bathroom "I better wait. I may be obstructing
justice". Later, when Harris and Wojo brought in the burglar, all smelling
like the sewer. Fish says "I have to go to the bathroom- downstairs"
403 Ron Weideman
- Ronfunlover@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2005-03-13 14:22:36
Yamana was my favorite charactar however Levitt had a GREAT line in one
episode. "There's not a lot of height in my family. My parents were 5'2 and
4'8. Dad liked tall women.
402 Ernie
- ernie_ruest@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2005-02-22 16:52:10
While Deadpan Dietrich was definately my favorite, two early episode
favorites are here:
Yemana, while taking a report on the telephone of one crime or another, eats
Chinese food. He's missing a chop stick and improvises with a pencil. When
he puts the phone down, he looks and says "Oh my god, I think I just ate my
eraser."
The second one is visual. The whole crew evacuates the station because of a
bomb, but Fish has figured out it's in a briefcase. He listens carefully,
nods his head and in that deadpan way says "The bomb is definately in the
briefcase", before tip-toing it around the squad room and eventually into
the petty cash safe. Priceless.
God bless Jack Soo and Abe Vigoda.
401 Joe Snyder
- marjoe81@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2005-02-03 22:52:00
My 7 year old daughter and I were alone in the living room watching an
episode where explosives were in the squadroom. Fish was having a difficult
time trying to figure out what to do. My daughter turned to me and said " I
know what I would do ". I asked what and she said " I'd get the hell out of
there ". My little girl is now 31 and we still roll on the floor when
talking about it. Barney Miller was fun to watch and there was no forced
laughter. When I have tears in my eyes from laughing, this is comedy. Thank
you to all the cast and crew that produced this classic.
400 B Hay
- no email
- no homepage
- 2005-01-26 03:17:58
One of my favorites is the episode that Inspector Luger gets demoted to
captain. He's in Barney's office lamenting his problems and says
"Captain...Lousy, stinkin' captain Barn."
When he sees Barney's reaction he tries to make up for the comment with "I
mean, it's OK for some people."
399 hooper
- hooper477@sbcglobal.net
- no homepage
- 2005-01-09 21:43:11
Deitrich: begging...the world,s oldetst profession
Wojo: I thought that was prostitution..
Deitrich: Well, somebody had to ask for it!
398 Damon O
- damono@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2004-12-11 04:54:18
Somehow, Harris's clothes get wet or damaged (can't remember). He doesn't
have a change of clothes, so he has to put on one of Barney's spare suits.
Barney tells him "You know, you look pretty good in that
suit"(paraphrasing). Harris says "You know, you're right. Its funny -- all
these years I've been spending money on expensive suits and custom
tailoring. Turns out I can look good in ANYTHING"
396 Mike
- chevcad@defnet.com
- no homepage
- 2004-11-09 14:59:24
Wojo comes in late to the squad room. As he is coming in a call comes in and
all go rushing out. Wojo says to Barney, "Hey, don't you want to hear my
excuse?" Barney says "no, lets go". As they go out the door, Wojo says
"fine, I'll save it for next time"
395 Rich Klingman
- rich_man_36@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2004-11-06 23:43:14
Fish (speaking to Wojo as he tried to open a window) "You'll never open that
window. They nailed it shut in 1932- on the dsy this building was
condemned."
394 Paul
- terataspis@madbbs.com
- no homepage
- 2004-11-05 19:15:59
Haven't seen BM since 80's, but many lines and scenes are unforgettable,
such as:
Dietrich to local news anchorman: "Wanna have a seat over here at the
'ACTION DESK'?"
Wojo to TV's Mr. Science: "Hey, aren't you Mr. Science? I used to watch you
all the time. I used to do your experiments too, like the ant farm, etc."
Mr. Science: "Why did you stop?"
Wojo: "I had to -- I joined the Marines!"
Mr. Science: "Now THAT's a KID!"
DD and Harris are questioning a stubborn witness in a hotel room. Harris,
fed up and frustrated, throws the papers on the floor and walks out wearing
a T-shirt. DD follows him to the door.
DD: "Where ya goin'?"
Harris: "OUT!" (disappears around hallway corner)
DD: "Dressed like THAT?"
After short pause, Harris reappears and resolutely heads back to the room
for his suit.
The chemistry between DD and Harris is priceless.
Harris is changing apartments, has no furniture, and needs a place to stay
for the night. DD offers his apartment, but Harris declines. DD acts like
his feelings are hurt...
Harris: "Aw look, man, it's nothing personal."
DD: "Oh, that's alright. It's been like that my whole life. I don't know, I
guess I just rub people the wrong way."
Harris: "Well, maybe I will stay over at your place, then."
DD: "No, that's OK, you don't have to."
Harris: "Look, Arthur, I really wanna stay over at your place, OK man?"
DD: "Really?"
Harris: "Really."
DD: "OK."
As DD picks up his coat and heads for the door, Harris starts talking to
Barney...
DD: "Hey, you wanna SNAP IT UP?"
Harris has been "had" by DD yet again, and looks at Barney like his head is
ready to EXPLODE!
393 Bobby & April
- Bobby-Haas@msn.com
- no homepage
- 2004-10-30 00:54:06
My wife and I taped as many Barny's as we could. Since it was on a 2am some
times we didnt find out till later that we taped Beaver. We kind of do Rocky
Horror Show, we watch almost every night and do the lines with the cast. We
do not so much have a favorite quote as recurring lines.
"Don't patronise me. " You don't understand. We also love the way they use
actors in diferent charaters and as recurring.
April thinks we should have a convention like stat treck. We could be
Barnies..
Happy to know you are all out there.
392 G Sinclair
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-10-27 21:23:35
One more.
One day Barney sees Fish putting rubber bands around his legs to hold his
socks up. Barney says "Doesn't that cut off your circulation?"
Fish deadpans to the audience "I have no circulation"
391 Carnik Moses
- carno@tpg.com.au
- no homepage
- 2004-10-21 01:59:09
Levitt always wanted to be a detective.
-Yammana’s phone rings,
-Levitt picks the phone and he says “Acting detective Levitt”..... Classic
It is witty it is hilarious and its unique the whole show
390 Brian
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-10-20 16:54:33
Harris walks into the squadroom on the day he's going back to court to
appeal his lawsuit and Barney asks "Harris, aren't you appealing today?"
Harris replies "why, thank you Barn." WHEN ARE WE GONNA SEE SEASON 2 AND
BEYOND ON DVD???!!!!
389 G Sinclair
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-10-06 19:35:59
Another one just came to me.
Remember that show with the guy who claimed to be a time traveler from the
future. He meets Dietrich and exclaims in awe "THE Dietrich!" Harris turn to
the fellow and says angerly "Oh, don't encourage him".
388 G Sinclair
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-10-06 19:19:47
What a great show, up there with Taxi, KRP and the Simpsons.
Dietrich has been accused of coming on to a lady victim who was really
coming on to him. Dietrich is describing what happend to Barney "So she
loosened her dressing gown and it fell to the floor."
Barney "And?"
Dietrich "So I figured ... " He shruggs.
" ... gravity"
387 Tony T
- pennsyk4@optonline.com
- no homepage
- 2004-07-11 12:36:14
Regarding the request:
What happened to all the recurring characters who really made the show. I've
forgotten the names, but I remember the titles: the internal affairs officer
Lt. Scanlon), the NRA guy who offered rewards for shooting burglars at the
scene of the crime (Emil Ditka), the mugger who preyed on blind people (Mr.
Duncan), the wearwolf (Mr. Kopechne), Ron the bum (Ray), the two gay guys
(Marty and Mr. Driscoll).
386 boris
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-05-30 06:42:19
The missing weed episode- when They come in with a box of 20 kilos of grass
and the guy getting booked says "Awright! let's get some food!"
385 Pelley
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-05-19 02:32:03
When Fish gets mad at someone. It cracks me up when he
says-"Someone,please,take my gun"
384 Pelley
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-05-19 01:31:39
Barney working at his desk with his head down.Looks up at Wojo aiming a
bazooka he had confiscated at him. Wojo says "About that raise Barney"
383 Pelley
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-05-19 01:25:37
Hash Episode
Barney to Harris:Take Yamana home and come back when you feel better.
Harris:I'll take him home Barn,but I ain't ever gonna feel better.
382 Theresa
- Treeza@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2004-04-09 11:30:11
I loved when Inspector Luger was asking Barney what he could do with his
vacation. Then Yamana came into the room to talk to Barney. As he was
leaving Luger asked him "Hey Yamana, do you know if Flower Drum Song is
still playing on Broadway?"
I wonder if that was ad-libbed? (For those who are too young to remember,
Jack Soo was in Flower Drum Song on Broadway.)
381 Paul
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-03-06 18:49:01
I have 2 favorite Yamana lines - both from the Werewolf episode. The suspect
is still downstairs but Nick hears him howling and is told the guy thinks he
is a werewolf. Nick responds that he better put some papers down in the
cage. Later, when the suspect is in the cage and is howling, Nick thinks he
is actually transforming into a werewolf and says he could see hair
sprouting out of his face. Barney, in an agitated voice, asks if Nick had
ever seen a beard before and Nick responds - not in my family.
380 Paul
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-03-06 18:31:09
There were so many, but two Dietrich lines stick with me - I'm doing this
from memory. If I blew it, someone please jump in with the correct language.
One was from the episode where the detectives all had to take a polygraph
test. Dietrich is asked when he was born and responds in his typical deadpan
manner "long ago in a galaxy far away" The joke is, it didn't register as a
lie, especially since the line was from the opening of the original Star
Wars movie that came out in the 70's.
The other was when a device was brought into the squad room and, if I recall
correctly, everyone was trying to figure out what it was. I believe Dietrich
walks in and, again in a deadpan manner says something like "whose A-bomb?"
Turns out, it was an A-bomb some grad student had built for school.
379 Scott
- nsltexas@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2004-01-07 22:36:28
In the episoid where the man thinks he is Jesus Christ, at the end Barney
tells Deitrict that he is sure that Dietrict has many more Bibical
references but he has to go. Without missing a beat Dietrict asks him to a
"Last Supper". Classic Detrict
378 Jack Cerf
- jack_cerf@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2004-01-07 21:57:24
Barney and Dietrich have responded to a burglary at what turns out to be a
sexual paraphenalia shop, and they have returned to the precinct with a box
of confiscated merchandise.
Looking into the box (we never see the contents), Barney asks, "What is that
thing with the feathers?" Dietrich puts his hand in, as if to pick the thing
up, and says, in the Dietrich deadpan, "I don't know, but it's reasonably
priced."
377 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2004-01-05 16:51:34
I break up everytime I hear Luger say "Poppy cock, Barney"
376 Mary Nelson
- no email
- no homepage
- 2004-01-04 00:37:02
This was in the hash brownie episode...
Nick walks into the room looking bewildered, and asks...Has anyone seen my
legs? They're about this long. Ten toes, one of them busted.
375 Brigitte
- callmeqc@yahoo.ca
- no homepage
- 2003-12-24 02:02:28
there's one episode (something to this effect) where Yamana is making soup.
Barney (i think)comes over to the pot, lifts the lid and says "what is this
garbage?". Yamana protests "This isn't garbage...there's carot peels, celery
tops, potato peels, lettuce leaves...hey, come to think of it, that IS
garbage"....I miss seeing the show on tv! keep up the walk down memory lane
folks..
374 Tony T
- pennsyk4@optonline.com
- no homepage
- 2003-12-05 00:55:32
Here's another:
The boys were dressing as women to go under cover and attract muggers. When
Harris walks out of the bathroom, everyone stops and stares - Nick says "you
look lovely."
When Levitt came out in ladies clothing, Harris said "Barney, he looks worse
than Fish." If you remember, Fish looked absolutely ridiculous dressed as a
woman.
373 Tony T.
- pennsyk4@optonline.com
- no homepage
- 2003-12-05 00:35:36
One of the best TV shows everp produced.
Classic Nick Yemana: someone finally cleaned the coffee mugs, and the guys
were razzing Nick about how dirty and stained they had been. Nick replied "I
thought it was a pattern."
One episode a bum named Ray brought all of his buddies up to the 12th
Precinct Open House, to mooch food - chips, dip "pate," etc. When they were
asked to leave, one toothless guys said "I'm not finished my platter yet." I
guess you had to see it.
372 eric d b.
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-12-02 01:17:53
Barney is behind bars (held in contempt) and Wojo comes upto the cell to ask
his advice about a woman problem he's having. BARNEY: "Wojo, you're talking
to man who's sleeping with his head two feet from a toilet" Wojo apologizes
. and then adds "so what do you think I should do?" Then Levitt passes by
and adds "Have a nice day One" (This was during th Iranian hostage crisis.
Perhaps the No.1 funny , funny sitcom of all time..with Taxi and seinfeld
battling for second.
371 Michael Bates
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-11-10 22:29:02
There's a guy in the cell who's been fasting for a reason I can't remember
(world peace?). He's gettin' pretty hungry as Dietrich eats a sandwich at
his desk. Dietrich tells him there are people, 'breathairians', who believe
that food is unnecessary. The guy take a huge breath through his nose and
Dietrich says 'Don't stuff yourself'.
370 Michael Bates
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-11-05 22:27:49
A lady and her husband can't have kids and Dietrich, who looks a lot like
the husband, is telling them how there are methods where someone with the
same morphological characteristics can have their sperm inserted into the
woman.
The husband says to his wife who by now is ogling Dietrich, 'Honey, we can
adopt'.
369 T. White
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-10-28 01:31:50
From the Episode where Leon Stapanic threatens to bomb the precinct.
Woman: I've seen the commercials about New York, the one's with the dancers
Barney: Yes, they are appealing
Woman: But they never say anything about the muggers.
Harris: Well, they only have a minute.
368 David
- djvcbd@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2003-10-15 02:03:17
I think this was from one of the very last episodes: Dietrich has arrested a
punk who was robbing some elderly people at an ATM. Turns out the old folks
ganged up on the kid, wrestled him to the ground and held him there until
the police arrived. Dietrich describes the funny scene as being "hysterical
to watch" at which point the thief chimes in "You hear about these things
but (sigh) you never think it can happen to you!” As Dietrich said,
hysterical!!
367 Michael Bates
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-09-10 20:54:57
I may have my episodes mixed up, but this is how I remember it.
The hash brownies episode, Barney asks Harris: Can you function?
Harris: Sharp as a tack.
366 Michael Bates
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-09-10 20:52:24
In the early one when there's a bomb in the precinct, Marty Morrison says:
Is it a big bomb?
365 Michael Bates
- ba3es@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-09-10 20:46:38
Kopeckne reading Barney's mind: Luger, do your own damn work.
364 Michael Bates
- ba3es@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-09-10 20:40:07
Harris: Didn't Blanche DuBois say that.
Crazy Lady: Not to me.
363 Michael Bates
- ba3es@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-09-10 20:29:45
Same crazy lady as #363 talking about soap operas: If you miss one episode,
you can be lost forever.
362 Mel
- fasme02@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2003-07-22 15:42:20
An INS officer who was trying to reslove some illegal marriage issue and who
has made it a hobby of people's ethnic origin runs into Dietrich and says,
"Your mother is German" or something like that. D says, 'yeah'. They guy the
says, "your father?".
D responds "He's dead". The officer goes "Before?" and D goes "He was
alive".
361 Mel
- fasme02@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2003-07-22 15:34:33
Harris responding to a request by a militia group leader: (with this silly
chuckle): "Man, I can't wear khaki!!".
360 David Bo
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-07-04 13:03:31
Fish: The first time in my life I felt truely good, and it had to be
illegal.
359 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2003-06-16 20:12:06
(in memory of Gregory Peck 1916-2003)
Dietrich: "Go away. Beverly is busy".
358 amanda denniss
- wojosmojo@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-06-14 05:46:02
when lugeer and athe radical are arguing and luger goes that's horse sh and
wojo interrupts and yells shut up
357 Paul
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-06-12 06:39:13
Nick's father's sayings always killed me. Here's my favorite.
"Although things may look bleak in the beginning, at least we ain't got
locust."
356 Alan Kramer
- krameretal@attbi.com
- no homepage
- 2003-06-10 13:26:37
Funniest Line
Episode with the hash brownies and Barney tells Harris to go home but not to
drive a car. He better take a bus.
Harris replies in perfect timing " Hey Barney, If I can't drive a car, I
probably shouldn't drive a bus".
355 Randy Banks
- rbgbcb@sympatico.ca
- no homepage
- 2003-05-10 16:07:57
Leon, the bomb threat guy: "Too busy to stop and say 'hello.' 'How's it
going? Anything new, Leon?" Too busy to be human beings?"
Barney: We had an open house last month."
Leon: "Nobody told me."
354 Gary O'Bannon
- gary_obannon@mailexcite.com
- no homepage
- 2003-05-09 04:33:22
To #352: Harris made this comment to a man who had his last $170 stolen
while he was withdrawing it at the ATM., not Wojo.
353 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2003-05-08 21:09:13
Fish is on the phone to Bernice (I don't remember which episode it was) "Yes
Bernice, it still hurts. No, Jello is fine. Any flavor but lime".
352 Patrick
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-04-22 13:32:53
Harris: "The Chinese have a saying: 'Save a man's life and he'll never
forgive you.'"
Wojo: "That doesn't make sense."
Harris: "Hey, *I'm* not Chinese... (thoughtfully, to himself) They're
*supposed* to be damn clever."
350 Chris
- Marcelllus@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2003-04-11 23:42:52
My fav. is the episode where a fake cop is harassing gays. Mr. Driscoll
describes the guy as being "ugly." So, when yhey bring the guy in Mr.
Driscoll says "i told you he was ugly." To which Marty says "you were being
kind." Classic!
349 amanda denniss
- wojosmojo@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-04-06 16:47:55
to 113 when when wojo asked how did hariis knew so much and harris replied
when i was i kid i stole books that actually came from episode entiled happy
new year
348 amanda denniss
- wojosmojo@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-04-06 16:42:52
to comment 119 the hookers name was nancy wojos girlfriend in the episode
wojos girl part 2
347 amanda denniss
- wojosmojo@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-04-06 07:01:06
to 196 wojo does have a small ipotency problem if you remember episode 75
entiled wojos problem
346 amanda denniss
- wojosmojo@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-04-06 06:37:45
my favorite lines are 1] when the phone company guy comes in to press
charges on a vandel and asks barney if he had any asprin and baney says no
but dietrich says get your asprin over her. 2] on episode entiled wojos
problem binder says something how no good cops are and wojo yells hey we're
not machines you just don't flip a switch and we perfom and then later he
confesses he can't control his biological urges but had a problem in bed the
previeous night
345 Dan
- no email
- no homepage
- 2003-03-26 16:45:41
when harris comes out of the bathroom deitrict tells him he had a phone call
from some woman (romantic interest) Harris says well what did you tell her?
deitrict: i told her you were in the bathroom.
harris: (indignantly) well, you dont have to go around ruining peoples
dilusions.
deitrict: I'm sorry... I thought she knew.
344 Kevin
- gunpro6@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2003-03-11 03:01:28
Not sure but I think this is Dietrich.... they've locked up a clown
(complete with floppy shoes)
Clown: Who are you calling "clown"?
Dietrich: Well if the shoe fits....
343 Tom
- spic45@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2003-02-28 00:55:17
My all time favorite sitcom. Been reading these messages and laughing my
butt off, remembering. Too many great one liners and witty remarks to have a
favorite. But one episode stands out in my memory.
A man had been arrested for holding up a liquer store. He calls his "AA"
sponsor to bail him out.
Goes something like this.
Sponser: What are you doing in here?
Robber: I held up a liquer store.
Sponser: You needed a drink that bad?
Robber: Oh no. It's what I do for a living. It's just never come up at the
meetings.
342 fitzbitz
- fitzbitz@voicenet.com
- no homepage
- 2003-02-25 17:11:12
Luger has just suffered what appears to be a heart attack and he's relaxing
in Barney's office, begging him to pull him off life support if it gets to
that point... "But first, you better make pretty damned sure there's no
hope. Remember. You're a cop, not a doctor."
341 fitzbitz
- fitzbitz@voicenet.com
- no homepage
- 2003-02-25 17:04:31
one of Dietrich's early episodes, when he answers the door at Fish's
apartment. a guy is there coming to take Fish's daughter out on a date.
"Beverly is busy. She's made other plans, and they don't include you." he
eventually comes in and credits Dietrich on his Gregory Peck impersonation.
340 jborski
- jborski@new.rr.com
- no homepage
- 2003-02-20 06:01:10
A couple more memorable ones:
* "The Psychiatrist": The precinct shrink's diagnosis: "I've never seen a
cop who I think should be allowed to carry a gun!", followed by Barney's
perfect rebuttal. Good stuff.
* Don't remember what episode, but Wojo is on the phone with the dispatcher:
Wojo: "Dietrich and Harris were shot at? Are they all right?...I don't care
what they were doing, are they all right?...Thank God...When I ask you
something that important, you gotta give me a straight answer."
(Barney enters and asks what's going on)
Wojo: "Dietrich and Harris were shot at"
Barney: "Are they all right?"
Wojo: "They were checking out a burglary and--"
Barney: "Wojo!!" (understandably scared)
And the Three Stooges exchange, Dietrich is going on about how he watched a
Stooges film festival, but just because he takes pleasure in the artistry of
the interaction caused by the socioeconomical differences or some such
reason...
Levitt: "I like the ones with Shemp!"
Dietrich: "You know, I don't think we have anything more to say to each
other..."
(Must be a Curly fan) Easy Ed
- ed_beck@email.com
- no homepage
- 2003-02-10 20:50:11
there is a passage where Ron Carey and Steve Landesberg are discussing the
merits of the Three Stooges....help me find that one
338 mark
- brauninger@mwis.net
- no homepage
- 2003-02-01 03:57:46
I have (for years!) been trying to remember the ryme Barnes fater said to
the judge during his competentence hearing. It went something along the
lines of hey diddle diddle, a cat with a fiddle,we put a man on the moon...
anybody know it? Please respond here or email me seperate.
337 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2003-01-01 20:09:40
Barney and Lugar are working in Barney's office and Barney brings in two
sandwiches: egg salad and olive loaf. Lugar says "Oh they finally sold it"
and takes the other sandwich
336 Gary O'Bannon
- gobann@earthlink.net
- no homepage
- 2002-12-21 02:27:19
Good one, Dan (#336). Follow up/same guy/conversation The criminal
attributed his belief that the NY Cops were doggedly pursuing him to daily
watchings of the "Dragnet" program. It was at that point that Deitrich threw
his 'Tuesday' line on him. Then, the following conversation while Deitrich
completed the necessary paperwork:
Deitrich: Occupation?
Criminal: I make pot holders [remember he never left his tiny, one-room
apartment for fear he would be arrested]
Deitrich: Potholders...no oven mitts?
Criminal: No....just pot holders...
Deitrich: Funny you making just potholders.
Criminal: Why's that?
Deitrich: 'Cause you're the one getting burned!"
Criminal: Huh??!! [along w/the most confused look]
Deitrich: Hey, you wanted Dragnet....
Leaving the Criminal with the most incredible look of disbelief and pain.
You've heard this description before but the scene was absolutely classic
Deitrich.
335 Dan Alexander
- dalexander@trioncom.com
- no homepage
- 2002-12-12 20:49:31
I'm paraphrasing since its been at least 15 years. But it was the episode
where Deitrict decides to pursue a case which is just about to expire due to
the statute of limitations.
1. Barney says to him dont you think youre cutting it kind of close.
Deitrict replies Yeah, thats why I dont have time for this idle chit chat.
Once he catches the guy he makes some smart ass comment to Barney who give
him "the look". Deitrict then says "What? I got time now"
2. Once he brings the criminal in the offender is going on and on about how
he has had to live in hiding in his one room apartment for almost 7 years,
having his meals slid under the door while the authorities were hunting him
down.
Deitrict says "I started Tuesday"
334 Al
- maclen@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2002-11-25 19:40:15
Here's another one: Episode #34 "The Kid". Nick is telling a guy who just
claimed the $3,500 after waiting for 30 days, to bet money on a horse and
make a fortune. The man says something to the effect of, "I'd rather be dead
than to bet on a horse", to which Nick replies "...me too, but fortunately,
I have true grit..." Jack Soo's delivery and timing were amazing!
333 Al
- maclen@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2002-11-22 00:34:18
Not necessarily my all-time favorites (there are so many), but these are two
I haven't seen in this list. Episode 16 (The Layoff), inside Barney's
office. Barney just informed Chano, Wojo and Harris that they have been laid
off. One of them asks "all of us?", to which Barney responds affirmatively.
Wojo then asks "all FOUR of us??" Pretty funny. Immediately after the news
has been given, there is a very tense, sad, silent moment... right at that
moment Nick barges inside the ofice and enthusiastically asks in his
inimitable style: "you guys wanna hear something funny??". That just killed
me. Excellent, excellent show. Kudos to TV Land for showing a pretty
extended run.
332 Gary
- NHawk62426@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-11-19 16:07:43
An Amish gentleman, dressed in black garb and hat, is sitting at one of the
desks. Wojo, walking by, mistakes him for a Hassidic Jew, and says,
"Shalom". The Amish man, without missing a beat, replys back, "Howdy".
331 Gary
- pitzer@cwo.com
- no homepage
- 2002-11-15 23:55:05
The discussion about the cost overruns on the movie: Harris: "Hey! They
didn't stop Cimino until he hit $40 million!"
330 Gary Kozan
- NHawk62426@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-11-12 17:10:27
This being such a CLASSIC sitcom, it is very difficult to come up with a
favorite quote. However, one that comes to mind is the episode where Wojo
comes to work with a plate full of brownies, unaware that they are laced
with hashish. Yamana, after having eaten several, says to Barney, "Barney, B
arney, Barney!! Is your mother from Kilarny"?? After disappearing for
several minutes, Yamana reappears, and says, "Anybody seen my legs?? They're
about this long"!! CLASSIC!!
329 steve
- cdigger@optonline.net
- no homepage
- 2002-11-11 01:18:43
the time the psychiatrist came in to handle what ended up to be a woman
speaking jibberish...he siad to detrich" don't you think we the psychiatric
professional re more capable to handle Miss Smiths' mental condition?"
Detrich: No I don't. dr.: I happen to have a degree in abnormale pyhscology
do you sargent?Detrich: Yes I do Dr:{speaking pissed off } Got it on you?
I could watch that episode a thousnad more times
328 Gale Miller
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-10-24 20:41:41
This from Movie part II when they spot a familiar face on the screen in
Harris's movie. Barney jumps up and yells "HARRIS". Harris replies "Well
Hitchcock does it too".
327 paul
- prk4270@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-10-21 07:20:44
dont remember the episode, but yemana is having a heart attack and barney
tells wojo to clear off a desk, and wojo picks up one end of a desk, thereby
dumping the desk on the floor
classic moment, cant wait till they come out on dvd.
326 Mac
- tmcroberts@go-concepts.com
- no homepage
- 2002-10-01 13:04:37
It would be hard to pick a favorite line from Barney Miller. There are so
many. My wife thinks I'm nuts for taping every episode. 44 years and she
still doesn't understand .... Enjoy reading the comments from other.
One particular quote comes to mind.
Harris: I don't care if you have psychotic episodes. But for God's sake
don't whine about 'em.
325 Mike Duncan
- duncan@koyote.com
- http://www.koyote.com/personal/duncan
- 2002-09-25 14:18:57
In one show, the bomb squad has brought to the squadroom a "machine" of some
sort that a college kid was making for his thesis. The whole bunch of cops
and the bomb squad are standing around trying to figure out if it is a bomb
or not when Deitrich strolls into the room, takes one glance at the device
as he is on his way to the coffe machine and says in a very matter of fact
way "where'd you get the atomic bomb?" At which point everyone kind of takes
one step back away from the device.
324 Mike Duncan
- duncan@koyote.com
- http://www.koyote.com/personal/duncan
- 2002-09-25 14:14:36
In one episode Fish is in the squadroom all by himself and decides to go to
the restroom. As he closes the door the squadroom slowly begins to fill with
various detectives and their arrests. When Fish comes out of the restroom a
few minutes later, the room is full of people. Fish does a funny double take
on it and goes back to his desk and his work. At the end of the show, Fish
goes back to the restroom and closes the door and the room is still teaming
with people. Slowly the room emptys and when Fish comes out to the restroom
a few minutes later, the room is completely empty. The double take he does
at that point was very funny.
323 Mike Duncan
- duncan@koyote.com
- http://www.koyote.com/personal/duncan
- 2002-09-25 14:09:23
One of my favorite quotes is when Yemana is making some soup on the heater
in the squadroom and Wojo comes over.
Wojo: "What are you making?"
Nick: "my lunch"
Wojo: "Well it smell like garbage. Whats in it anyway?"
Nick: "fish heads, cabbage leaves, potatoe peelings." and then he pauses for
a second and says "Come to think of it, that is garbage."
322 Rusty
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-09-23 01:33:58
Wojo's trying to flirt with Wentworth, but only manages to convince her he's
giving her backhanded compliments. Flustered, Wojo finally blurts out
"Look!!- if I were tryin' to insult ya, I'd'a made a sarcastic remark about
your hair!!" Great line, and Wentworth's subsequent wounded expression, and
Wojo's embarassment are hilarious.
321 john
- JTJ4783@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-09-20 02:12:56
My favorite line of all-time is when Wojo has just betrayed Zitelli
(disclosing that Zitelli is gay to Lt. Scanlon)and he says, "I feel like
some kind of Judas." Dietrich responds, "At least you didn't kiss him
first". Brilliant.
320 David
- dcb1995@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-09-19 08:19:43
Barney Miller was probably my father's favorite sitcom of all time - by the
70s I had moved to a nearby city and watched it religiously also (I think I
bought a VCR specifically to tape Rockford and Barney so I would never miss)
and my Dad and I used to discuss the best lines when we got together. My
mother enjoyed it, but never became an addict like my Dad and me. I don't
know whether my sister ever watched or not.
Today I heard on the news that James Gregory, the great Inspector Lugar,
died in Arizona at age 90 (nearly 91). All of the characters were terrific
(the program is the exemplar of the finest ensemble cast ever), but Lugar
never failed to make me laugh uncontrollably. The shuffle, the gesture with
the hands, the attempt to be "hip" and incredibly out-of-sync and
insensitive -- the personification of politically incorrect long before Bill
Maher thought of it.
Lugar's plot line in episodes never failed to be a high point of the show
and are far too numerous to even think of picking a "best." I'm so glad that
the series has been in rerun on TV Land for the last year or so and I never
tire of it. Although it is on at 12:30am my time, I tape it every night and
watch it the next evening. It's a great way to end the day, laughing out
loud.
I doff my hat in the memory of James Gregory, the incomparable Inspector
Lugar
319 Wiseguy-007
- wiseguy-007@excite.com
- http://www.tagmag.com/people/wiseguy
- 2002-09-03 22:08:16
Another point if I may confirm: Barney Miller was not, repeat NOT CANCELLED.
As mentioned in this site's homepage, Danny Arnold had suffered from (I
believe it was) kidney and liver ailments that forced him to take extended
periods of time to recuperate. This was the basis for him to close the show:
He didn't have the time to work on new ideas and material and Mr. Arnold
did, in fact, mention (I remember reading this in the TV section of the NY
Daily News when they reported what would be the final episodes of Barney
Miller), that he had begun to run out of material.
Arnold tried a few years later to come back with a new police sitcom on ABC
called "Joe Bag" (with Peter Boyle) about a uniformed patrolman, but it
never took off (I think Arnold fell ill again); and the ratings just weren't
there yet.
There hasn't been a show like Barney Miller, not even close to the quality
of the writing! The two programs I thought were on a similiar path was (a)
The Newsroom (Excellent Canadian sitcom set in a Toronto TV news room; [you
might be able to catch it on PBS); and (b) Becker (Ted Danson's sitcom is
quite funny, but the writing quality is not as consistent as BM, and the
jokes tend to get tiresome).
God, I miss that show.
318 ken
- ken@gracemarketing.co.nz
- no homepage
- 2002-08-29 22:10:35
Barney's taking a statement from a hooker who's just been mugged. He asks
her how much money was taken and she says "$300". "That's a lot of money to
be carrying, isn't it?" says Barney. "Thank you," says the hooker.
317 jb
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-08-03 00:33:02
In the "Hash" episode
Wojo (typing up an arrest report): "Name?"
Arrestee: "Fred."
Wojo (after about 15 keystrokes on the typewriter): "Fred what?"
Same episode: Barney (to Wojo, on the same report): "For arresting officer
you wrote down Wojo, chief of police!"
As the son of two parents in law enforcement (Midwest USA, FYI) this is
unbelievably hilarious! I'll take this over Friends any day!!!
It's amazing how many of my own traits I see when I watch Barney Miller tv
land reruns! Whoever said it was the most realistic cop series hit it right
on!
316 Bill
- Oakriver1@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-07-10 21:09:12
My favorite quote was in an episode when Fish was going to retire the next
day. He had disappeared from the station house for several hours and Barney
became very worried about him. Barney was asking no one in particular "Where
could Fish have gone? I think he may be upset that today is his last day on
the job". Dietrich told Barney that he had an uncle that became despondent
after retiring and began walking and walking for hours each day until one
day he was missing for a long time. Barney asked "Did they ever find him?".
Dietrich said "Oh, sure, they found him". Barney says "Well, thank God for
that." Dietrich replies "Yeah, the tide brought him in.".
315 Mel
- mzew@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2002-06-28 15:53:22
From the "STRIKE" episode: Inspector Lugar was in the room talking to Barney
about how his people would not go on strike and how they respected him
(Barney). Dietrich and Yimana bring in a older lady mugging victim who
looked lonely and desperate for some male company. This is how the
conversation went (or something like this):
Barney (to Dietrich): What do have here?
Just before Dietrich answers, Lugur jumps in:
Lugar: What we have here Captain is a great group of officers that respect
you, put you on a throne, worship you..."
Dietrich: (with a smile on his face): We broght you a sacrifice Captain.
Victim lady: Sacrifice?
Dietrich: Oh, I was joking, have you seen one of those jungle movies where
they bring the virgins for sacrifice...?
Then all of a sudden, the lady looks at Dietrich with this "how did you
know?" look on her face.
Dietrich (shocked and embarassed): Oh wow, what? I'm sorry, I didn't know...
Then the scene shifts to something elese and comes back to them and just
before the lady sits down so Dietrich can take her statement, she says "I
was just saving myself for marriage".
At this time, Yimana who was standing next to them doing his own thing all
of a sudden blurts, "I put a few bucks away myself every month".
CLASSIC!!!
314 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-06-22 20:06:35
From "The Prisoner" where the NYPD sent the police
chaplain. Levitt remarks "A cop who's also a priest?
Thats crazy" Yemana replies "After 'The Singing Nun'
nothing suprises me anymore". Later the chaplain is
introduced by Barney to Harris "This is Father..."
Harris says "Pleased to meet you Mr. Miller" Barney
yells "NOT MY FATHER". I love that episode.
313 Raymond Nunziatto
- RayOrama@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2002-06-20 15:42:00
To 134 (Gregg Hamilton): That is one of the funniest scenes ever in the
show, but it wasn't Dietrich who asked the man about heaven and hell, it was
Fish, whos is always thinking and talking about death, lol. I had never
heard of this show before TV Land and it has become my favorite ever.
312 Angie Morgan
- ramorgan@carnegienet.net
- no homepage
- 2002-06-03 01:55:58
I'm 13 and I really love the show. I think my favorite quote I've heard yet
is when Ron Glass is gonna take a patient to Belview and he says ," We need
another taxi to hotel silly." It was just the way he said it and the look he
made, that made that one great!!!
311 sonny
- babydidabadbadthing@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2002-05-31 07:11:06
anything jack soo says is my favorite line. everything he said was great and
the show wasn't the same without him. the line that sticks in my head right
now is when jack soo was using a pencil for a chop stick and out came the
line....oh my god i ate my eraser. it was partly the look on his face and
partly the way he delivered the line (as only he could). love you jack.
310 Doctor Slo
- doctor_slo@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2002-05-08 04:08:18
It's hard to believe that I am reading these lines with such fondness. As
good as the lines are, I find my true enjoyment comes as I remember the
actors as they said them. The writing, the direction, the acting, and the
concept were inseparable from each other. Not a bunch of interchangeable
faces trading quips, but humor arising from interaction of character (and
characters). I cannot even give my favorite line as it would ruin an entire
episode. Wojo, under hypnosis, picks every emotional scab in the station
house, to finally remember the robber's name was .....! I laughed 'til I
cried on that one. God, I miss this show.
309 Ronald Caplan
- bretonbooks@ns.sympatico.ca
- http://www.capebretonbooks.com
- 2002-05-05 14:40:53
As I remember it, two people are in love and Fish has no sympathy for them.
Barney says, "Come on, Fish—weren't you ever young?" And Fish replies, "I
was young once—and wasn't very good at it."
NEXT