- patrickh69@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2002-05-03 06:21:58
Saw an episode last night that had a couple lines that were real zingers.
1) Wojo spends the entire show compulsively preparing for disaster. Yemenaat
one point says, "Wojo, you can't just evacuate the city because the sewer backs up. You just have to take smaller breaths and walk quicker steps...
2) Jilly: I'm one girl you'll never be able to get out of your system.
Fish: Maybe someone'll invent a laxative.
307 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-04-28 15:41:04
This was from "Movie, part 2". Harris has finished showing the porno movie that he made for the NYPD and the 1812 Overture plays at the end of the movie. For all you younger generation (like me) The
1812 Overture was used for the Quaker cereal commericals on TV. Just as the 1812 overture is playing, Inspector Luger comments "I used to like that cereal".
306 Horseman
- hsundquist@shaw.ca
- no homepage
- 2002-04-27 07:26:05
Wojo is studing the manuel for his Sargents exam. He asks Barney if an
officer loses his badge, should he report it, or wait and see if he can find
it. Barney says he should report it, and starts to turn the pages of the
manuel for the appropriate section, and Wojo says "Barney, I lost my badge"
305 Horseman
- hsunquist@shaw.ca
- no homepage
- 2002-04-27 07:23:14
They arrest someone who claims to be Jesus. Wojo comes back from
fingerprinting him, and is in the process of wiping the ink off his hands,
and says to Deitrich "Dirty work" Deitrich looks at him, and deadpans "Well, there's precident for it"
304 Horseman
- hsunquist@shaw.ca
- no homepage
- 2002-04-27 07:20:39
As an ex-cop, this is the best TV show of all time. Favorite quote? Where do I begin. Barney discovers that his office may have been used by Teddy Roosevelt when he was the NYPD Police Chief. He turns to Deitrich, who says
"Bully"
303 alex
- padovana@home.com
- no homepage
- 2002-04-24 18:22:06
A HOOKER ASKS FISH, "HOW LONG YOU BEEN A COP?' FISH LOOKS UP WITH THE
DEADPAN FACE AND REPLIES, "I WAS THE FIRST."
302 Molly
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-04-21 14:53:39
Dietrich is at Fish's apartment. Bernice gives him a glass of water, and
asks Fish (who is eating an omlette) "would you like some ketchup?" Dietrich says, "oh, no, this is fine."
301 kevin middleton
- kevinmiddleton2001@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2002-04-04 23:02:45
Captain Miller picks up a cup of coffee looks at it and says "Why is this
coffee maroon. Yemana- "Its the color spectrum. You mix yellow water and brown coffee and you get maroon. Captain Miller- "Why is it fizzing."
Yemana- "Its just the air seeping out of the cracks"
300 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-03-16 01:01:54
This was from part 3 of "The Landmark". Harris was investigating the theft of manhole covers in the neighborhood and was convinced the thefts were of a sexual nature. The man was arrested and said"I get so much money at the recycling center for these and this dude (pointing to Harris) keeps asking me about my sex life.
299 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-03-16 00:55:38
This was from "The Hero". Fish gets a call from one of these "groupies" who wants to go out with him so he gives her a different phone number. Barney overhears and says "That's the fire department". Fish answers back "She's in
heat".
298 Lena
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-03-13 13:44:36
Wojo: (Coming in late) I'm late.
Barney: (Pouring a cup of coffe) I know.
Wojo: I have a real good excuse, you wanna hear it?
Barney: (Without looking up) No, not really...
Wojo: (Looks dissapointed) Oh okay... (Grins) I'll save it for next time!
(Dissapears out the door on a sudden call)
I was cracking up!
297 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-03-12 01:29:50
From the episode where Wojo spots what he thinks is a UFO. The Air Force officer asks Wojo "Any markings? insignias? Goodyear!"
296 Mat
- molkin@usatoday.com
- no homepage
- 2002-03-12 00:59:05
The guys were discussing the afterlife, and Wojo turned to Dietrich and
said, "Dietrich, what do you think happens after you die?"
Dietrich: "You rot."
295 Greg
- gregvball@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2002-03-07 06:16:56
From Hash:
Fish bringing in a guy he just ran down and tackled, the guy's shocked he was able to catch him, and Fish says, "Waddya think, you're playing with children?' but there's a disagreement here, my friend thinks the line is, "Waddya think, you're playing with kids?"
Who's right?
294 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-03-04 21:51:37
This is from "Landmark, part 3". The 12th. have gotten their new assignments and Wojo is going to the K9 corps and not too happy about it "They'll probably stick me with some bitch".
293 Lyla
- lylaharmoni17@yahoo.com
- http://www.geocities.com/lylaharmoni17
- 2002-02-23 20:17:05
Wojo holds a bazooka and points it at Barney. Wojo says, "About that raise, Barney"
292 Zach Miller (also no relation)
- cdz@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-02-15 03:47:21
from the werewolf episode. a man arrested as a werewolf comes in howling. yemana says "I better put some papers in the cage".
291 Tim Weiler
- weilerium@msn.com
- no homepage
- 2002-02-15 02:40:01
Harris and Yemana are about to place a bet on whether or not Yemana can quit gambling and whether or not Harris can quit smoking. Yemana says to Harris, "We Japanese have a lot of willpower. We eat raw fish." Harris replies, "You like it." Yemana says back, "No, we don't!"
290 Molly
- tie_dyed_penguin@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2002-02-14 23:26:32
That was a good episode (the inventor one). I liked when Wojo was hypnotized and he was saying how Harris was telling him about how he got the tie thing for Barney as a joke, but Barney actually liked it. Then a lawyer comes in and tells Barney how he had one of those (ties) too, but he never had the guts to wear it.
289 gale miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-02-14 19:22:59
this was on the episode called "The Inventor". Barney is wearing the bolo tie that Harris got for him while on vacation in Wyoming. This inventor was arrested and said to Barney "but sheriff" Barney corrected him "Captain". Dietrich with his sense of humor said to Barney "Honest mistake, marshall". Loved the rest of the episode.
288 Molly
- tie_dyed_penguin@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2002-02-08 02:32:12
I like the one in "Uniform Days" when Harris comes to work not wearing a uniform, and Wojo says, "you're not dressed like us!" Harris says, "am I
ever?"
287 Gale Miller (no relation)
- gmplates@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2002-02-07 21:28:00
On "Goodbye Mr. Fish, part 1" Inspector Lugar complains about the ice cream melting in his car "You should see the trunk. It smells like it was full of babies".
286 Ethel Goldman
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-02-03 19:25:14
"...In the '70s TV show 'Barney Miller,' a suspect is
brought into the precinct after his wife reported a
robbery. It turns out the robber was her husband. He
confesses to his wife and Captain Miller that he
liquidated everything he could and used the money to buy
more gold. She looks at him with tired eyes. 'Maybe
you're wrong, Harvey. Maybe we won't get war, famine and
runaway inflation.' 'Stop being such a damn pessimist!'
he yells..."
285 Tony
- www.leafies@msn.com
- no homepage
- 2002-01-22 02:43:54
When Yemana puts Harris on and tells him he got a message from his
broker...something about the bottom dropping or crashing. Then telling
Harris he was joking. Harris saying-Don't ever joke about one's portpholio.
284 Baghdad Jones
- vl10@albion.edu
- no homepage
- 2002-01-13 11:36:20
UNderstanding the current philosophies accepted by most theologians on the rights of the buccaneer, whose treasure was taken right off his porch by those down at the leasue office is central to proper
understanding of the symbiotic relationship between Barney and the Miller. Also, it is important to keep in mind the fact that 7 out of 10 lab monkeys "dusted" with phencyclidine, or "angel dust", will not hesitate to
agressively attack anyone or anything that wonders into their established danger area. And how does all this collected evidence relate to this particular show? The answer, my friends, is simple: the observed
relationship between Max Gail and Ron Glass is, on a molecular level, the exact same as the basis for the two-dollar roadmap principle.
283 Annessa
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-01-12 23:27:10
I like the Chinatown one when Dietrich is sitting on the couch watching tv
and barney knocks on the door. Dietrich- "who is it?" barney- "it's
barney." - "barney who?"- "dietrich, open the door!"- "oh, that barney!"
282 John Slapper
- jcd10@albion.edu
- no homepage
- 2002-01-12 10:29:37
This song is just great! I mean its incredible, also the sho is a brilliant
phenomenon that was spared by those
Jason Christopher Dawdy
281 Buck
- no email
- no homepage
- 2002-01-01 19:56:50
The episode where the detectives eat cookies laced with hasish. Yemana says
"Wooshy-wooshy".
280 Bruce Parker
- BruceShea@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2001-12-27 21:07:18
"Hey, sharp as a tack"
279 Carycomic
- Carycomic@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2001-12-13 18:58:18
My favorites are from Episode 67, "The Tunnel." 1)Nick Yemana, the
compulsive gambler sees a newspaper article about a horse called
"PICK-ME-NICK." Wojo: "You think it's an omen?" Yemana: Omen? It's
practically an order!" 2) Yemana's reaction after levitt announces phone
lines are down all over the block: "OH MY GOD!" 3) After Wojo gets back from the hospital (where he was treated after following a jewel thief who tried to dig his way into a diamond exhcange back into the tunnel, causing it to collapse on both of them), he's asked what it was like to be clinically dead. Wojo: "It was kinda peaceful. And, I think I heard voices!" Dietrich, the intellectual agnostic: "You were probably lying on a phone line." 4) Yemana: "So, you don't think there's one all-powerful force guiding our destinies?" Dietrich: "No, I don't." The rotary-dial radiophone rings. Yemana takes the call, and after hanging up, he exclaims: "PICK-ME-NICK won! I won $400 bucks!" Then he turns to Dietrich: "I guess that settles THAT!"
278 Allen
- no email
- no homepage
- 2001-11-25 12:41:27
After paying $230 to the man that has sold everything to hoard gold, Harris gets a single gold coin. As Harris looks at it with surprise, Dietrich
deadpans, "doesn't take long to count"
277 Skip
- teleman@stans.net
- no homepage
- 2001-11-25 00:56:57
A fire in the squad room causes removal of the bathroom door. While walking down the hall Dietrich, pauses, looks in the bathroom and states, "Pretty wild day, eh Fish?"
276 Skip
- teleman@stans.net
- no homepage
- 2001-11-25 00:44:19
A disturbed female prisoner tells Harris she "has always had to depend on the kindness of strangers," to which Harris replies,"Didn't Blanche DuBois say that?" "Not to me," answers the prisoner.
275 Skip
- teleman@stans.net
- no homepage
- 2001-11-25 00:38:54
LeVittt to Harris after arresting a decathalon athlete for practicing in
Central Park "You ever throw one of these things," while holding up a
javalin.
274 Alison
- dgom@epix.net
- http://apple.excite.com
- 2001-11-24 16:41:42
My abosolute favorite character on barney miller is Dietrich. Some of my
favorite quotes of his are 1) in episode#66 Thanksgiving story in which
Inspector Luger wishes Dietrich a happy Thanksgiving and Dietrich
says:thanks Luger:hey wait a minute now you gotta wish me the same! Sayin happy Thanksgiving is like sayin 'Good Morning' or 'Hiya buddy' so Happy Thanksgiving"
Dietrich:hiya buddy!
2) Dietrich is booking Marty when they start up a conversation about Swan Lake.
Dietrich:Swan lake is one of the best ballets ever written. It's an artistic
milestone
Marty:Have you seen it?
Dietrich:I had hockey tickets.
classic stuff.
273 joan
- aldablack@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2001-11-24 03:48:21
The episode where Fish and Bernice eventually adopt Victor and Julie(?) Bernice comes into the sqaudroom, and sees the kid's sitting at Fish's Desk. She says she want's to help them.
"Look at them. Look, you can see it in their eyes. They look haunted"
Fish quickly replies with "Oh, no that's just the light by my desk. I look
haunted all the time. Right Nick?!
"Oh. Yeah"
P.S Steve Landsberg is amazing
272 Nancy
- no email
- no homepage
- 2001-11-19 06:39:35
Linda Lavin as Detective Janice Wentworth!
271 Gale Miller (no relation)
- cdz@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2001-11-16 01:58:41
I liked this episode. An Army recuiting officer (same actor that plays
Scanlon) reporting a bomb threat. He mentions the man's distinctive cough which he imitates, causing Harris to choke on his tea. "Don't make sense" the officer says "Who would want to blow up a U.S. military installation". Yemana answers "Nostalgia?".
Love that cough
270 jon
- jpollio@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2001-11-11 05:45:00
There is an episode where some guy who claims he is from the future shows up. Harris asks him about buying gold. The guy tells him about a discovery in medicine hat and tells harris that Zinc is the new standard. Harris asks his broker for the price of zinc and he gives him some cheap price ... by the pound.
269 Kevin Middleton
- kevinmiddleton2001@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-11-08 00:58:22
A call comes in from a guy who says he almost got hit in the head with a
flying toilet seat thrown from an second floor window. Barney asks Dietrich to go check it out. Dietrich asks the captain "Were there any casualties?" The captain replies "No fortunately it was unoccupied." Dietrich thinks for a second and then says "well it would be pretty embarasing. If the fall didn't kill you"
268 kevin middleton
- kevinmiddleton2001@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-11-08 00:52:10
Harris is in the bathroom and a women calls for him.
Dietrich answers and informs the lady that he is in
the bathroom. Harris comes out and Dietrich informs
Harris of the phone call. Harris looks at Dietrich with a disturbed look and says "You told her I was in the bathroom." Dietrich replies "Well that was where you were." Harris replies "well there's no need trying to destroy other peoples illusions." Dietrich's next response is "Oh I'm sorry I thought she knew."
267 Steven Bailey
- SKAD13@aol.com
- http://www.angelfire.com/ab6/barbeau/index2.html
- 2001-11-04 02:38:23
1) The one where they have a bomb in the middle of a police station and are trying to dismantle it. Dietrich strolls by and notes, "Where'd ya get the bomb?"
2) The one where Fish is shown wrapping rubber bands around his ankles to keep his socks up. Barney tells Fish that it might cut off his circulation, and Fish notes, "I have no circulation."
266 Michael Reagan
- m_reagan_2002_1999@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-11-03 23:43:28
My favorite quote was from the Social Worker episode. Fish told Barney that his doctor said he's at a point were his body goes through changes. Barney said, "Sounds like menopause." Fish said, "It is Menopause. I got it from Bernice."
265 kevin middleton
- kevinmiddleton2001@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-10-19 01:26:11
The hash episode.
Harris and Yemana get high after eating some brownies that Wojo brought in. It turns out that the brownies were laced with hash. Barney tells Harris to take Yemana home. He says, "you better not drive. Take a bus." Harris then replies "if I cant drive a car I'd better no drive a bus."
264 ed
- elingerjr@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2001-10-13 22:39:26
LEVITT,(mocking harris) cmon little levitt we got a call
263 Gary
- rugrat1@jps.net
- no homepage
- 2001-10-06 00:00:03
Dietrich is referring to the Three Stooges when Levitt says: "I like the
ones with Shemp."
Dietrich: "We have nothing further to discuss."
262 Anthony Attanasio
- no email
- no homepage
- 2001-10-05 17:31:20
Fish: I'd like to Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out that I
died in the company of another woman.
Fish: Hello, day-old bakery?
261 Gary
- rugrat1@jps.net
- no homepage
- 2001-10-04 20:22:29
Harris is booking a mime who pretends to peel a banana and drop the peel on the floor.
Harris: "Pick that up!!"
260 Patrick
- patrickh69@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-28 17:32:31
Favorite Line:
Someone asks the question "What do you call those animals in Africa that
leap fences."
Harris replies from the background, "Slaves."
Hysterical. Just curious...Does anybody think Columbia House will put "Hash" one of their videos?
259 Molly
- jpwalrus@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-21 20:21:29
In episode #37 one of the criminals might have had smallpox, so the doctor who was looking at him puts a quarentine sign on the door. Nick is on the phone telling someone that they'll need eight cots, because they can't go out of the squadroom until they know what the guy had, and they'll have to stay overnight. So then Lugar comes in carrying the quarentine sign and says "quarentine, what is this some kind of a joke? eh?" Nick says on the phone, "make that nine cots." It was so funny!
258 Shea
- Sheabird12@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-20 14:56:19
Episode: #5 The Courtesans
The 12th arrests a bunch of "dancers" at Rosie's Village Go-Go. Wojo is
taking one of the girls statements.
Wojo: Occupation?
Girl: Hoofer.
Wojo: Hoofer. H-O-O-K-E-R.
(He says Hoofer and spells out hooker)
257 nancy
- bigredcdn@yahoo.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-16 05:21:56
An exchange between Barney, Fish and Mr. Driscoll -
Fish: Mr. Driscoll, take your time, go through these (mugbooks) and if
anyone looks familiar to you, let me know.
Mr. Driscoll: Oh, I hope it doesn't take too long, I have a lecture at noon.
Barney: Oh? You go to school?
Mr. Driscoll: No, I'm having lunch with my mother.
Great lines from a great show -
from episode #21 - Discovery
256 Gale Miller (no relation)
- cdz@ronan.net
- no homepage
- 2001-09-15 23:29:52
I liked store owner Bruno Bender when he showed up. I laughed at his first appearence in "Goodbye Mister
Fish, part 1". He tries to sell a .44 magnum to Harris "You can stop an
elephant with one of these babies". Harris replies "We don't shoot them,
just herd them back into the zoo".
255 sandy
- wrisand@home.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-11 00:08:27
Dietrich booking a stripper who is also a graduate student--the stripping is research for her thesis. She says, "In many parts of the world the naked female body is revered." Dietrich: "Yeah. My place." She goes on to list some exotic examples, "Fiji, Samoa..." Dietrich, absolutely deadpan and not missing a beat, "My place is closer."
Chano arresting a Hispanic thief, hauling him into the squad room, telling
him how EMBARRASSING it is for him to arrest a fellow Hispanic. "I have to talk like THIS!" and goes into the whole arrest procedure in a crisp, more or less British accent.
Mother Zilla, I think was the character's name, arrested as a fortune
teller, saying "Wojohowiecz! I think it must mean 'Man among Men.'" The look on Wojo's face: he's embarrassed, but can't help preening a little.
Speaking of which, the Bureau of Indian Affairs guy who tries to figure out which tribe Wojo belongs to.
They were all great. I couldn't pick a favourite character.
254 Shauna
- mulcahyfan@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-07 23:12:52
I just remembered another quote (that is truly hilarious) from the episode
"Contempt", where Barney is jailed for alleged contempt of court. Harris is really settling into his role as head of the Precinct, and Dietrich walks
in... "Arthur, you're late." "You're right," Dietrich goes, without missing
a beat. A couple of lines later, Harris goes, "How are you coming with those quarterly crime statistics?" "I threw them in the garbage." That little bit of dialogue, to me, is vintage Dietrich, a typical example of his dry wit.
253 George
- Farago27@aol.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-04 01:17:03
1) The episode when a teacher who flipped out at school is brought in. The vice principal tries to get him back so he doesn't have to cover his class & says "I struggled for 15 years to get out of the classroom, and I'm not going back!" When he finally realizes he'll have to cover the class the look on his face when he finds out the lesson he has to teach is on the Spanish Inquisition was priceless.
2) Wojo is trying to get a bag lady's age & she says something like "'69, I
was 58 in '69...after Wojo calculates, he realizes she's 69 years old.
GREAT STUFF! Are any of these episodes available?
252 Shauna
- mulcahyfan@hotmail.com
- no homepage
- 2001-09-03 02:46:53
I love Barney Miller a whole lot! Only problem is, my local BM channel
stopped airing it! But anywho, I love Dietrich the best. He is so smart and
funny, and it is my dream to be just like him. Here are my favourite quotes:
1) Steve Landesberg's tribute to Jack Soo (where he mentions their inability to remain serious during serious scenes), 2) The psychic arrested for trying to stop a robbery saying, "I sense a gloomy, overbearing presence..." and then Luger comes in!, and 3) Luger stops by the Precinct and calls everyone by his pet names for them: "Hey Woje", "Hey Har", then to Dietrich he says "Hey, DD" and Dietrich says "Hey, I.L." Then Luger wants to talk to Barney, so he says to Dietrich "Hold all his calls." Then Dietrich turns to Barney and says "That okay with you, C.M?" The way he said it...ah, it just kills me every time I think about it. Or how about 4) Dietrich's rating of Harris's dirty movie: "I give it three smiles." Remember, BM fans are special people! Regards to all who read this site! --Shauna :)
251 DDodge
- no email
- no homepage
- 2001-08-30 10:30:32
Barney to Dietrich: "Are you familiar with the term, 'pedantic?'" Dietrich:
"Gotcha."
250 Mark Mohrfield
- no email
- no homepage
- 2001-08-24 02:28:13
Someone asks Fish how he's doing. He replies something like "Lousy! Last night I watched a movie were they made old people into little green crackers so that young people could eat them! And they made it sound like it made sense!" (Although it wasn't actually named, the movie was clearly "Soylent Green")
249 Joseph Gardiner
- no email
- no homepage
- 2001-08-14 02:43:07
Another great quote is from the 1980 episode known as Dietrich's Arrest,
Part One. It is the episode where Dietrich (Steve Landesberg) defies Barney
(Hal Linden) by participating in an anti-nuclear demonstration near the
vicinity of the precinct house. After Dietrich and Levitt arrive at the
squadroom and Barney is informed of Dietrich's actions, the demonstration turns into a riot. When Dietrich finds out, he innocently replies "I was upstairs with you guys." Classic humour.
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